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Losing
Your Twin
Understanding
twin bereavement and loss
Per
definition twins are born more or less at the same time; however it is
not
the course of nature that they also die at the same moment.
There
are about 100.000 twins in this country (Denmark);
half of them will live longer
than the other half. Many
are strongly affected by this loss and find
that their family and acquaintances cannot fully grasp the depth of that
feeling of loss.
In
Britain six hundred bereaved twins joined The Lone Twin Network, founded by
74-year old, who herself lost her identical twin at the age of three.
Owner
of www.tvillinger.com Abelone Glahn
has interviewed Joan Woodward spring 2000
Joan
Woodward is at the same time a very observant and obliging woman. I
met
her at her home address in Birmingham near the University.
Dressed in casual
trousers and blouse, I immediately noticed a peculiar piece
of jewellery around her neck. Not very conspicuous, but rather strange.
It looked like a small bird's claw, twisted, and hanging in a chain next
to a tear shaped precious stone.
But
Joan Woodward is also very private even though my visit entails her
talking
about strong personal feelings.
Not
until four hours later does she reveal the story of the strange piece of
jewellery,
but before that comes a deep and very personal conversation with
the
woman, who almost 12 years earlier started a network for twins, who had
lost
their twin. She herself is one of them.
An identical twin who at the
age
of three lost her sister who died of meningitis.
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" The problem with you, Joan, is that you do anything by half".
That's
what a school friend once said to me, and this really hit me, because
ever
since I lost my sister I have always felt in some way, that I was but "a
half". Only many years later did it dawn on me that there was
a deeper
truth
behind those words - even deeper than my friend could ever have
imagined.
Looking
back I have fought against this feeling by endeavouring to be "much
more
than half" - and this feeling never leaves me.
For some people this
may
sound queer, but I have heard this time and again from other twins, once
I
started looking into the situation of losing your twin.
If you ask me what
is the difference between losing a twin
and losing a sister or a brother,
I can only answer that of course we who are twins never tried
anything
else, but in some way or other, the loss of a co-twin seems to make
us
aware that we have lost a person, who ought to be with us all the time. So
without belittling the loss of a sister or brother, because I know full well
that this can be hard enough for some people,
the fundamental
difference
seems to be that twins have been together from the very moment of
conception.
Joan
Woodward is a highly reputated psycho therapist, who in her
long
career has participated in and headed a number of controversial projects
and other research in the UK. In
1982 she decided to look into the
consequences
of deaths amongst twins.
Through
advertisements and posters in libraries and through interviews in
magazines
and TV she came in contact with well over two hundred adult
twins
who had lost their twin . Both
from her own experience and as a psycho
therapist she found it strange that
here at that time apparently
had never been done research in the problems around losing a twin, knowing
from her own
experience
and from a professional point of view that the loss often has very
deep consequences for the bereaved.
Three
main categories
The
result showed that you can divide the loss in categories
-
One , those who lost their twin during or just after their birth.
They
have
just to acknowledge the fact that they were born a twin.
They have no
photographs,
no memories and they just know that their twin ought to be with
them.
Often such twins have to live not only with their own notion of a loss,
but also with their parents' grief. But
in my time as a psycho therapist I have experienced that these early
losses
are extremely deep, because the small child does not possess the faculty
of talking about. Thus we
cannot with any certainty say what it is that
has created the memory of the deceased twin. Had they now not known,
would
they then have felt anything ?
The
classical example from research is
the five-to-six year old girl, who
always
asked her mother to buy "two of each".
One day the irritated mother
exclaimed
"that's just because you're a twin !"
The
little girl had never been told directly that she had had a sister.
But grown-ups
often talk in front of children without realising that they may absorb
things, - so when the girl ask for "two-of-each" is it then
because the
small child try to express, "There're still two of us" - or is
it because
she, in her mother's voice, has sensed this terrible loss - or perhaps
have heard the mother say "Oh, now I have just one" ?
- Those who have lost
their twin in childhood often have photos and
other
memories. They can tell about a person, they themselves remember and
who
they had some relation to,
even if they have been very small.
-They who lose their twin as grown-ups experience the loss as
something which
they
can well understand. But
among people I have interviewed there was a
92-year
old who took it for granted
that, as they were born together, they
would
also die together.
Those
who have lost their twin owing to traumatic circumstances appear to
have
more in common; and finally there are indeed also similar traits
among
those who have lost a sister or a brother.
Relief
and Guilt
In
the category, which described their loss as "serious" there was
significantly
more identical twins than twins of the same sex, just as there
were
many of them who had lost their twin through accidents or suicide.
Often
this group described the ensuing feeling as
nervous breakdowns or
psychosomatic
illnesses. Also, many of them had had
matrimonial problems.
In
spite of the fact that the most frequent and totally dominant feeling was
deep
sorrow and experiencing a unique loss, some twins never-the-less
expressed
their strong need for being distinguished, and they felt liberated
in
that they no longer always were termed as "the boys".
Joan
Woodward sums up: - This feeling of relief was even more apparent at those
whose twin had suffered before death, or was handicapped, or in other
ways
exerted to strong pressure.
In
order to be able to define yourself in relation to the other one, it
often
happens that twins take upon themselves different roles.
Several expressed
that it was, as if they took
upon themselves some capacities or
characteristics
from the deceased. The 'quiet'
twin turned into looking
like
the 'lively' one. Possibly
because all of a sudden there was more space
for the survivor to develop this characteristic, but in addition some expressed
that they felt they had part of the dead one's soul in himself.
The
reactions of the parents were commented by practically all of those
twins
who had lost their twin at birth or through childhood. Comments were
divided
into two very distinctly different directions. - One category
expressed
'over protection'; this apparently affected girls more so than it
did boys. - 'I got stuck, as 'the
small one'. Often I became ill, was sent
to
a private school, and I never really caught up'.
The
opposite attitude was rejection, sometimes total :- worst were the cases
where
the surviving twin felt that the parents reproached him/her the other
twin's
death - or when there was the feeling that the parents would rather that
it was he/her that had died.
Among
Jane Woodward's observations: - One twin was told directly, 'you
crushed
your twin....' - another said she “was a murderer in her mothers eyes”
.
A
small number of twins said, however, that their parents genuinely felt happy
that there was 'just one' - and those twins felt themselves 'chosen'.
None
of these described their loss as 'serious.'
Some
twins felt strong guilt being the survivor and they felt they ought to
have
done more to help the other twin survive.
Some said that the rest of
their
lives they had endeavoured 'to behave' in order to soften their
mother's
feeling of loss.
Those
who described their loss as 'less tough' talked about various factors
that
had helped to soften their loss.
Some
had lived a lonely life and
this was often the case for identical twins'
brothers or sisters, having lived on each their continent
Many
said that strong belief and different convictions had helped them on.
Several
gave vivid accounts of 'having met' the deceased, who again had
encouraged
them to live on - and these twins were in a special way convinced
that
they would meet their twin brother or sister again, once their own life
ended,
says Joan Woodward, who intimates that she herself has a feeling of
nearness,
especially now, that she has grown older.
Loss
before birth
The
research further revealed that there seems to be proof that a number of
twins
in one way or the other perceived the existence of the other twin and was
under the influence hereof, even if the other twin had died during
pregnancy
- and even if they had not been told officially that they were 'a
surviving
twin'.
This
is a controversial subject among psychologists, because everyone
recognises
that the physical presence is sensed by both individuals, but not
all
recognise that the psychic memory does exist with unborns, not to speak
of
measuring this after birth.
Most
psychologists are of the opinion that a twin, having lost his co-twin
during
pregnancy can only at a later stage be influenced by learning that
he/she
was destined to become a twin.
Joan
Woodward is of a different opinion: -I
believe that two people, who have once shared the very smallest place a
human
being
can ever share with anyone else, may very well have a awareness of
the
other person's existence - and that this awareness does not come exclusively
from its surroundings.
Some
of those, whom I have interviewed, spontaneously said, that once they
had
found out that they were a twin, a lot of pieces in the puzzle fell into
place.
Suddenly
they fully understood their feeling of loneliness, of 'someone
missing'
and the enormous void, they had felt in the past without knowing
why.
All these feelings suddenly made sense. Therefore, personally I try
to
be open minded towards this, even if it goes against the established
view.
The
Network
As
a last step, before Joan Woodward finally concluded her research, she
invited
all participants to a meeting. Seventy turned up and founded the
network,
which is a completely informal set-up.
There is no association
with
a board etc., and neither is it a therapy group - it is simply a
network
that exists by virtue of those who share their engagement.
Once
every year we invite to a meeting, normally attended by 70 to 80
people.
They are divided into three groups
- those who have lost right
after
birth - those who have lost in childhood, and those who have lost as
grown-ups.
These groups are again divided into smaller sections of max.
eight
persons. This is the only way in which you may ensure that everyone
has
a chance to actively participate - and also so that you may preserve the
necessary
intimacy, which must be there, if people decide that they want to speak up. Some do not open up -
others benefit from listening and detect
that
others nourish the same feelings.
My
experience tells me that people do not open up more than they are prepared
to
- others do not open up at all. On
the other hand there is a lot of support
within the individual groups, in case you wish to tell - or to cry.
To
a large degree it is all about listening to others and thereby find out
that
they share identical feelings.
The
core of the network is a list of addresses of all members, who have
written
a few words about the circumstances around the death of their twin.
In
case you feel like contacting someone who has lost a twin of the
approximately
same age - or live nearby - or have lost 'the same kind' of
twin,
you may use this list, but you are not obliged to react.
It is the
question
of very personal feelings being involved, so no-one could nor
should
assume responsibility for some-one else.
On
the other hand a lonely bereawed twin needs support from other berewed
twins.
This loss is something that will last for the rest of your life and
there
will be moments, when it will feel tougher than at other times, but
you
will learn to live with it. The result is that a number of smaller,
geographically
based, groups have been founded and are meeting privately.
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In my experience psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists do not generally
recognise that a twin's loss of a co-twin does leave deep marks, regardless
of when in life it happens; - this perhaps because twins are only noticed
when they are seen together. But
precisely because twins feel so
close
they do need extra assistance in life to get over the loss of 'their
other half'.
Therefore
we have simply made a list of psychologists and therapists who
understand
and acknowledge this, and we
try to refer to them, when anyone
in
the network needs professional help.
I do hope that the more the network
grows,
the more will the sincerity of this loss become understood; - not
just
because it will help those who suffer from the loss, but because it
will
enable the surviving twins to feel better with themselves - and feel that
also they have a place in the world as those individuals they really are.
As
my interview is coming to an end Joan Woodward shows me a typed poem on a
slightly
crumbled sheet of paper. I
sense that not many have had the privilege
to read this poem, written in '89.
It describes a visit to a
churchyard,
where the poet, Joan herself, visits the grave, where
her
sister is buried. She has not visited the grave for a long time and finds
that someone has torn away the blackbird that used to sit on a small
birdsbath.
Left
was only the bird's small feet, which she removes -
and
now she is wearing them together with a stone tear, presented to her by
a friend. In this way she is
always feeling near to her sister, just as the
sister is near to Joan's heart.
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Joan
Woodward has written The Lone
Twin, Understanding Twin Bereavement and
Loss, ISBN
1-85343-374-8. Free
Association Books 1998.
Order
the book
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